I Can’t Take Care of Myself: 6 Ways for People Pleasers to Practice Putting Themselves First
First and foremost, what is people pleasing? It’s something we hear often but probably don't always pay attention to. For better understanding, let’s define it now. People pleasing behavior by definition is when someone feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. People pleasing can be complex and the roots of people pleasing can vary from person to person.
Some signs of people pleasing might be:
Difficulty saying no
Taking on extra work or tasks when you don’t have time or energy
Overcommitting
Never doing anything for yourself or not taking care of yourself in any way
Avoid speaking up for yourself, for example the oh so common “I’m fine” when you’re actually really not
Avoiding disagreement with others
Going with the flow or blending in when it doesn’t make you happy
Let’s break it down further to understand where people pleasing stems from and why those behaviors make it hard to take care of yourself.
Where people pleasing can stem from and why you might think “I can’t take care of myself”…
Low Self Esteem
If you think lowly of yourself, you are more likely to believe your needs and wants are unimportant or don’t matter, therefore you are less likely to advocate for yourself and possibly even struggle to identify what you need or want!
Fear of Rejection
There are many reasons people struggle with fear of rejection and conflict and the reasons can be very complex. Fears can come from significant trauma or consistent and chronic difficulty in relationships with others in the past. The need to be loved or accepted in any way possible can overpower someone's need to put themself first when they've had experiences of trauma or strained relationships. It's because this response becomes normal and reinforced.
Strong Desire for Validation and Acceptance
People that engage in more extreme forms of people pleasing often have a strong, sometimes almost dependent need for external validation and reassurance. Therefore, experiences of not being validated and reassured can lead someone to never having fully developed the skills of self validation and self reassurance.
Learned Behavior from Childhood
To continue on that note, in the same way that someone may not have learned self validation and self reassurance skills, someone may have learned that putting other people’s needs above your own is normal, right and even respectful. This could have come through cultural messaging or simple relationship dynamics. There is a time and place to consider cultural significance. However, I challenge you to consider, how were certain beliefs taught to you? And what do those beliefs cost you now?
As adults, we have to learn to differentiate ourselves from our families of origin, sometimes that is easier and sometimes that is what holds people back.
Possible Trauma Response called “Fawning”
Increased research has arisen about an additional trauma response called “fawning”. Fawning can include identity confusion, lack of boundaries, significant co-dependency and people pleasing. Responses to trauma were usually once adaptive. Therefore, those responses probably kept someone safe or able to “survive” abuse. But once out of a traumatic situation and safe, someone may be stuck in these past responses. Therefore, triggers are automatically activated without second thought, you may even find this happening to you.
All of these possible root causes can make it incredibly difficult for someone to take care of themselves and put themselves first. But with awareness, understanding and practice, there is hope. As like anything in life, overcoming people pleasing takes work, commitment and consistency.
6 Ways for People Pleasers to Put Themselves First and Take Care of Themselves
Build Awareness
Every change starts with awareness. You have to start by considering how people pleasing may be showing up in your life. For example, in what contexts, situations and with who to begin to identify what needs to change.
Identify Personal Values and Needs
Next, begin to identify personal values you hold and consider needs and wants that stem from those values. Take time to examine how your values are or are not being met by not putting yourself fist. If your values and needs are being met through people pleasing tendencies, consider at what cost to you and is it worth it?
Build Your Self Worth and Self Esteem
Believe it or not, learning to love yourself is one of the deepest ways to fight people pleasing. Consider who you are surrounding yourself with, are those people supportive and caring about you and your needs? Or do you feel like you’re being take advantage of over and over? Once you are confident about your worth and begin to surround yourself with people who recognize your worth, other people’s opinions can’t have the same hold on you.
Figure Out and Create Non-Negotiable Boundaries
You’re human, you cannot possibly do anything and everything at a given moment. You have to learn and practice saying no. Yup I said it. If you need more support learning how to say no, check out my other blog post “I Can’t Take Care of Myself: Reasons Why You May Be Struggling and Why It’s Important to Learn How”
Consider what things you find yourself saying yes to that makes it so you can’t take care of yourself and consider how those things are replenishing or depleting your time and energy.
Advocate for Yourself!
Learn and practice assertiveness skills to speak up for yourself and your needs after identifying your values. When you identify your values and acting on said values, this is called value based decision-making. It’s something I can help you with in therapy. And it's okay to start small. It probably took years, little by little, for you to find yourself in this difficult position of not taking care of yourself. And one day you were like "d*** something needs to change. I can't do this anymore".
To make changes, same rules apply, it will take time, consistency and practice to overcome not taking care of yourself. With support and consistency, I believe you are more than capable.
Seek Therapy
If you are having a difficult time making these changes on your own, let me be your sidekick to help you work through it! Sometimes accountability is what people need and crave most. I believe in you and your ability to put yourself first with support, guidance, practice and commitment. I get it because I have been where you are. And what is the cost to you to keep going this journey alone?
In Conclusion
We've learned not being able to take care of yourself can be incredibly challenging, exhausting and downright depressing. But recovery from people pleasing and being able to say "I can take care of myself" is possible!
You first have take a deeper look into yourself and begin with curiosity about where your people pleasing behaviors may be stemming from. Then you can work towards understanding them more fully. From there, you can make changes.
Therapy for anxiety and trauma can have profound impacts on working through people pleasing. We weren’t meant to be alone on this Earth. Therefore, if you find yourself struggling to escape people pleasing patterns and take care of yourself, reach out today and let’s help you find healing. I believe it is possible for you!
-Nicole Egan, LMFT
Learn more about anxiety therapy and trauma therapy at Balanced Mind Therapy