I Can’t Say No: Reasons Why You May be Struggling and Why it’s Important to Learn How
A lot of us in our modern day world struggle to say no, for many reasons, but the reasons often have the same themes underlying them. Going above and beyond is often seen as a positive attribute of a successful employee or of a caring parent. But not saying no time and time again can have consequences too…mainly for you. Together, let’s talk about reasons you may be struggling to say no, why it’s important to say no and how to decide when it might be best to say no.
Reasons You May Think You Can’t Say No
You are a perfectionist
You have too many commitments and responsibilities already. You hate delegating for fear of it not being done correctly. You have rigidly and sometimes unattainable standards that border perfectionism tendencies. But here’s the truth, you are only one person, you can’t do it all alone.
You have been raised and socialized to accommodate others.
While sometimes this can be viewed as good manners, other times it can reflect people pleasing behaviors. Perhaps you have been taught by family, friends and society that saying no is selfish or rude. And in certain situations, it may be, but when accommodating others comes at the cost of yourself, it’s time to reconsider.
You are afraid of conflict or rejection, so you avoid it.
Here’s the tea, even people who are “good” at conflict, often don’t enjoy it. But, they also don’t avoid it. People who struggle to say no, often avoid conflict for fear of rejection or upsetting and disappointing others. While it’s important to have empathy in relationships and consider other people’s needs, if we consistently don’t say no at the cost of our own needs, for fear of rejection, we are helping no one. It’s not our job to control other people’s emotions and approval of us.
You don’t want to miss out on things.
Often people don’t want to miss out on things more for fear of loosing something like an opportunity or someone rather than because they are making a conscious and informed decision to take care of themselves.
All of these reasons can be seen and understood from a people pleasing and perfectionist perspective. Before you can change these patterns, it’s important to understand why it’s important to have boundaries around saying no in the first place.
Why It’s Important to Say No
You only have so much capacity.
You. Are. Only. One. Person. There is only so much time in the day. It is literally impossible to accomplish everything without sacrificing something. Saying no can help you learn how to better balance, prioritize and align your actions with your values and goals. Saying no can give you time back to take care of the most overlooked person, yourself.
Taking care of yourself is as, if not more, important than taking care of others.
You know how on an airplane they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before your children so you can help them? If you’ve ever struggled with people pleasing, same goes for taking care of yourself first. You can’t give from an empty tank, therefore taking care of yourself may just very well be as, if not more important than taking care of others, you can do this by practicing saying no when you’re just not able to keep up.
Boundaries result in healthier and more productive relationships.
Saying no is a form of a boundary within a relationship, those who care to know you and understand you, will probably respect you more when you are able to set appropriate and firm boundaries with them because they will begin to understand what is important to you. People often hesitate in saying no and setting boundaries for hopes it will improve or maintain the relationship by avoiding fights or disappointment therefore ‘keeping the peace’, but over time, not holding boundaries when we struggle to say no often does the exact opposite and then you may also become resentful in a relationship without boundaries.
How do I decide when or what to say no to?
It’s important to ask yourself these questions when considering how or when to say no…
1. Do I have the time, energy and resources for this?
2. Do I want to do this or am I doing it out of guilt, obligation or pressure?
3. Will this add value to my life, or will it take away something else important from me?
4. Is this aligned with my values, goals or priorities?
Final Thoughts About Reasons You May Be Struggling to Say No
There are many reasons you may be struggling to say no, but often those reasons are rooted in people pleasing behaviors, perfectionistic tendencies and avoidance of conflict for fear or rejection or loss. Your relationships will grow and thrive when you learn when and how to say no. Learning how and when to say no is an incredibly individual process for each person, there is no one size fits all about what we can handle, how we take care of ourselves or deciding what aligns with our values.
And if you need additional support working through learning how to say no and set boundaries to better the relationship with yourself and others, I can help! Let’s connect today and schedule a consultation.
-Nicole Egan, LMFT
Learn more about anxiety therapy at Balanced Mind Therapy